July 9, 2009
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Mood Analysis
I've been in rather a bit of a funk lately. Which boggles me to no end--I just got married to a beautiful sweet and loving woman, just had an awesome wedding, just had an incredible honeymoon, shouldn't I still be dancing-on-clouds giddy? Instead I find myself at times almost depressed, occasionally panicky. (Jessie is wonderful at alleviating these feelings, but I don't see her for the majority of my weekdays.)
I have a couple theories as to what's going on here; perhaps it's one of these, perhaps a combination of several of them.
--Financial/Occupational Fear. I'm going back to grad school (part time) in the fall, as well as teaching multiple classes at multiple other colleges (two of which will be classes I've never taught before). I'm going to be very very busy. It's going to be very very expensive. And teaching as an adjunct does not pull very much cash flow--for a while I'm almost going to be a drain on the household finances rather than an asset. I very much want to be a provider, so perhaps the fact that I'm now married is now aggravating (rather than alleviating) this concern. I don't want to feel like I'm dragging my wife down.
--Crash. During our wedding, during our honeymoon, I was smiling so hard and so constantly that it hurt. I have never felt that much joy before, not all at once and for such a duration. It was almost like a high. Is this just the crash afterward? Not to sound manic-depressive, but maybe such an emotional high necessitates a following emotional low?
--Loneliness. This one makes no sense to me: I'm married now! I should be less lonely! I even have my cat with me now! But nevertheless it seems that there's a lonely element to what I'm feeling now. I crave being around people all of a sudden, almost desperately. Perhaps it's the hours alone at home that I have while Jessie's at work. Or perhaps being surrounded by all my loved ones for the wedding has now left a gaping hole when they've all gone to their respective homes and hometowns. Or perhaps it's the solitary nature of my current job, where I don't see my coworkers and don't get to know my supervisors and really don't see anyone other than my students. Maybe even my forced absence from the Xanga community (due to unreliable Internet) has contributed to this feeling. Maybe the lack of close friends my age around here is a factor. Jessie helps immeasurably with this one, but doesn't get rid of it completely--she's only one person. Singles take note: apparantly even marriage does not exempt you from feeling lonely.
--Frustration. Be it printers, other electronics, my occupation, or what-have-you: I just can't seem to get it to work. There's always a crucial part or electronic file missing. Makes me want to scream.
--Busyness. We have a lot to do. We're trying to set up a repeater so we can get decent cell phone reception in the apartment. I still can't get the stupid printer working. We have to close my bank account, close Jessie's bank account, and dump all the money in our new joint account. We have to change my address on my driver's licence, change Jessie's name on her license, change Jessie's name on her everything else, etc. Just thinking about it all makes me want to curl into a ball and hide. Preparing for the wedding was insanely busy, but that was fun. This is not fun.
--Stupidity. I can't see how awesome I've got it, keep focusing on the few things I don't have. I have nothing to blame except my own stupidity for this.
So yeah. I don't know quite how to shake this--I'm trying my old lonely-at-Binghamton perscription of sunshine and praise music, but I don't feel it helping all that much yet.
Sorry to turn my normally-more-discussion-oriented blog into a personal vent. Hopefully I'll be able to shake this soon.
Comments (15)
hope you figure out why you are in a funk! My guess? school .... school always puts me in a funk. =)
ps - pictures of Alaska please?
For me it's seasonal: No matter what I do to combat it, summer always gets me down. It'll pick back up around late September
I get the way you're feeling... I went through stages like this, examples of when I've come back from staying with people and returned to my family and seeing the strain it's under.
Sometimes it can be as simple as the lushness of the carpet to set it off... seriously!
To help? Try not to dwell on it. Analyzing it, turning it over and over and over doesn't really help all that much once the causes have been found.
Just know that you'll get through this, and you'll look back at this time and wonder why you even felt this way.
Just remember that as much as you feel you're a drain on the family resources now it's OK, because in the future you'll be more than pulling your weight.
It's OK!
Putting zombies in their place always helps me.
Sometimes you just feel bad about your life, you know? Just don't let it keep you from realizing when things are beautiful, and you'll pull through.
Congrats on the wedding!
Have you tried prayer and fasting?
It could also be a spiritual attack.
We love you and are praying for you and the missus.
I think you've nailed it on this one, my friend. I think it's all of the above.
What makes it especially difficult is not having your wife with you during the week days, and on top of that, not having any community to turn to. No people your own age, no xanga, you're very much alone. Out of everything you listed, I think loneliness is the biggest contributor. You are without someone to process your occupational/financial concerns.... you are spending the majority of your waking hours alone fretting and dealing with inane, frustrating crap... and you're not able to do much adventuring or having much fun.
Unfortunately, I do not have many great suggestions for you here. But here are the few that I have:
Break down what you need to do into smaller, manageable tasks. Make lists. And then set small goals for each day. (ie. Today I will close down my bank account. Tomorrow, it will be jessie's... ) Making these things manageable will reduce the stress. And every loves crossing things off of lists!
Once you have accomplished a thing or two each day, take some time out for yourself to do something you like. Do something that will reap multiple rewards. Take the boat out to an island and take some pictures. Come back and post about it. Or go out somewhere and journal a little about some of your thoughts and frustations. This will help you put into words what is going on in your heart. Then when you do find someone to talk about it with, you are better able to express what you are feeling/thinking.
Think of things you can do for Jessie while she's gone. Make little projects that can be accomplished in one day. Invent a new recipe. Or just try out that recipe you found and have been really wanting to experiment with. Redecorate a little. Light some candles. Do something positive and exciting that can be shared between the two of you.
Regarding stupidity, I recommend going back to journalling and keeping a praise/thanksgiving journal. List the things you are thankful for, including clean dishes and blue skies. Take time to be grateful.
Regarding the occupational stress, remember that things happen in seasons. There will be times when you will lean on your wife. There will be times when she leans on you. While you are the husband, protector, provider, et al. by no means are you meant to do these things all the time.... 24/7/365. There will be times when she nurtures your boo boo, or helps you to process something on your mind, or even help provide the finances while you are going through school. It is a partnership of equal importance. It is ok to allow her to be strong in one area when you are not strong there yet. Of course, the opposite is true as well. It is ok for you to be strong where she is not. So why not vice versa?
Remember that you are not the Christ. I say this half jokingly, but we men tend to try to do too much sometimes. We try to be the head, the saviour, the everything. Remember that Jesus is the head. You, afterall, are still a child. A sheep. A follower. He is still soverign. He is still in control. You are doing what is required of you.... to act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God. No more. No less.
And of course, as always, if you need anything, even someone to chat with or bounce thoughts or ideas off of, you can call me or email me.
All my love.
Alban
^excellent advice from friend Alban. the one-day-project idea is a good one, and I'd add that you can't always look at everything at once, you get overwhelmed.
and buddy -- you sound overwhelmed.
I agree with sonnetjoy--it could be a spiritual attack as well as the obvious reasons. And seriously, if you took a stress test right now... You just went through a heck of a lot of changes--married, moving, job, paperwork to get your lives in order so everybody KNOWS you're married... That stuff creates stress. And I know my dad always told me not to underestimate how depressing it is for a guy to feel like he can't fully provide for his family. On that particular note, allow me to say that I know you know God's in control of your situation. But I think the only way for you to actually find rest in that knowledge is to talk with Him and your wife about it. Everybody has stupid moments, but if you struggle through it by yourself, you're multiplying your stupidity!
And please know that providing for your family does not limit itself to financial stuff--you provide the leadership, the direction, the vision for your family as well. Perhaps focus more on that aspect of provision instead of the aspect you are not in control of.
Be encouraged! We at Xanga will always await the return of those who take a breather.
~Victoria
Don't worry, it's normal. You have a lot to process- Even good things, (getting married, fantastic wedding/honeymoon etc etc) take energy and time to process. Dancing-on-clouds giddy takes an awful lot of energy, & all changes (good or bad) are draining & cause emotional upheaval.
"apparently even marriage does not exempt you from feeling lonely." Oh no! Nobody told you that beforehand???
I'm sorry for the negligence. I think that is the #1 single person myth about marriage.
No fear, you will buck up again.
Isn't marriage grand?
You have a very good friend in Alban, And having a friend of the same gender will help you.. You both can hold each other accountable in life .A wife can't do that. That's important......enough said. Dawn
In agreement with all of the above, let me add the following:
About the loneliness "marriage is not a cure for loneliness" thing .... although it might be counterintuitive, it makes sense when you think about it. A lonely single person who gets married becomes a lonely married person.
What you're going through sounds like what happens whenever we pass a lifetime milestone. Consider, for example, graduating from high school. For all its flaws, our educational system does provide students with a clear structure of milestones to anticipate. After graduation, the former seniors lose that structure and therefore find themselves without the clear sense of direction It's sort of an "OK, now what?" moment. (Even if they go on to college, it's a totally different system, much less structured, and probably in a completely different place.)
For the past few months, your life has been consumed with wedding preparation (and some marriage preparation too, I'm sure). Also, the upcoming wedding gives a lot of people who you might know merely on an "acquaintance" level the excuse they need to strike up a conversation. So, now that you're past the wedding itself, your life no longer has that structure (blow #1), and the "mere acquaintances" no longer have the wedding to use as a reason talking with you (blow #2).
Finally, about the printer ... maybe there's a flaw in the CD, especially if the installation always stops at the same place. Try going to the printer manufacturer's website and downloading the driver from there.
Wow! Look at all these awesome responses! I'm actually tearing up at how other people are encouraging you.
Your friend Alban is a smart guy
And I actually liked reading your post here, Chris. It shows me that you're able to write personal posts, too! Haha 
You always write intellectual ones, so I get intimidated sometimes (to be honest). I am gonna pray for you and your situation. Hang in there, sir! 
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