This dictionary is a resource cataloging the meanings and usage of frequently used expressions in the "evangelical" dialect of the Christianese language. It contains expressions that are familiar to most native Christianese speakers, as well as expressions that are used primarily within small regional tribes.
The entries come from many sources, collected by underpaid graduate students and other individuals. Please remember that the Christianese language is one of the least studied or understood in the world, and this dictionary will require revision and addition as linguists and anthropologists conduct further research on Christianese-speaking tribes, particularly those that speak other dialects such as the Catholic dialect or the Pentecostal dialect.
Altar Call -- The initiation ceremony by which one enters a tribe. Initiation is generally understood to be a one-time event (
see: Saved). Despite this fact, some tribe members participate in altar calls three or even four times, presumably for aesthetic purposes.
See also: Sinner's PrayerBrother -- A male tribesperson.
See also: SisterBaptism -- 1. A necessary ceremony of rebirth and purification by water for new tribespeople, ordained by Jesus. 2. An optional ceremony of rebirth and purification by water for new tribespeople, which you only have to do if you want to. 3. Another excuse for us to hate the Catholics, Orthodox, Anglicans, Lutherans, Presbyterians, Methodists, and Reformed Churches, since they don't baptize right.
Church -- 1. A tribe of Christianese-speakers:
We are the church. 2. The building in which Christianese-speakers meet:
We were in the church. 3. The restaurant at which Christianese-speakers get their chicken on Sunday afternoons:
We met at Church's.CCM -- 1. Christian lyrics with contemporary (rock, alternative, ska, punk) music. 2. Contemporary music written by Christians. 3. Contemporary music that is somehow intrinsically Christian even if the songwriters aren't Christian and the lyrics have nothing to do with Christianity. 4. Music written by the devil in an attempt to infiltrate the Christian tribes and possess young tribespeople. 5. An easy way to harvest money from middle-to-upper-class Christian teenagers by taking old love songs and replacing the word "baby" with "Jesus" and selling them at an inflated price. 6. Any contemporary music that a Christian listens to.
Disciple -- 1. One of twelve ancient people who followed Jesus around and did what He told them to. 2. A modern-day person who is trying to be like Jesus, and actually does what Jesus told us to. Generally looked down upon by most tribes, and considered "holier-than-thou" and trying to participate in "works-based-salvation."
Discipling -- A form of spiritual growth within the tribe by means of a one-on-one mentor/protege relationship.
End Times -- 1. When the world will end, following a premillennial dispensationalist rapture, after which events will unfold exactly as portrayed in the
Left Behind series. Exactly. Right down to the color tie that Rayford Steele will be wearing.
Family Values -- Things that won't upset Grandma.
Fellowship -- 1. The state of being in the tribe and associating with fellow tribespeople. 2. The state of being in the tribe and associating exclusively with fellow tribespeople (lest one be defiled by speaking with heathen).
Gideons -- A society of religious ninjas, who sneak into hotel rooms and deposit Bibles in nightstand drawers. Their skill at infiltration is evidenced by the fact that nobody has ever seen a Gideon.
Greek -- The original language of the New Testament. Sometimes used for theological intimidation, when a person throws out Greek words they looked up for the purpose of giving the impression that they are a Biblical language scholar, and thus deterring opposition.
Heathen -- 1. Practitioner of a rustic or folk religion. 2. (derogatory) Anyone whose beliefs differ from mine in the slightest.
Holier-Than-Thou -- 1. One who arrogantly believes that he is holier than the people around him. 2. Anyone who makes me feel bad because of the good things they're doing.
Hymnal -- 1. A songbook containing the only songs that God wants us to sing. 2. A songbook containing archaic songs that have long since been replaced by choruses. 3. A convenient blunt object for use in the beating to death of failed initiates and Unitarians.
King James Version or
Authorized Version -- 1. An English translation of the Christian Bible published in 1611, translated from the Masoretic Text (for the Old Testament) and the Textus Receptus (for the New Testament). 2.
The Christian Bible, the sole source of tribal doctrine, still in the original archaic English that God inspired Moses and David and Paul and John to write in. First published in A.D. 34, shortly after Jesus's ascension, complete with bonded leather cover and red-ribbon bookmark.
Ministry -- 1. Vocations or activities which serve God or serve the tribe. 2. A means of justifying one's life decisions in the face of criticism from one's significant other.
Stella, I can't quit my job at CVS! I witnessed to a coworker once a couple of years ago! Working at CVS is my ministry!On fire for God -- 1. The state of being excited about God. 2. An obscure tribal practice seeking the purification of one's soul through the use of lit petroleum products.
See: Holy SmokePastor -- 1. Leader of a tribe. Often used in place of a personal name.
Pharisee -- 1. A sect of Judaism in the first century, whose focus was on the keeping of the Torah. 2. (derogatory) Any tribesperson who tries to advise, instruct, or command you whom you disagree with. Can be used to refer to one's mentor, one's pastor, or one's girlfriend's father.
Pray, prayer -- 1. To address a deity, in this case, God or Jesus. 2. A rhetorical device by which one addresses the people around him, under the pretense that one is in fact addressing a deity. Often used to accuse people or to make them feel guilty.
Prayer chain -- A device for spreading rumors about someone you dislike.
Save, get saved, salvation -- 1. The act of initiation into the tribe. The event at which one is "saved" is generally understood to be a one-time event.
See also: Sinner's Prayer and Altar Call. 2. The state of being destined for heaven. 3. The act of backing up one's computer.
Sinner's Prayer -- A magical incantation which grants one entry into the tribe. The initiate repeats after a tribal leader or shaman. Exact repetition is crucial, as presumably if the words are out of the correct order they will not be efficacious: if the initiate stumbles over a word or says something out of order, the entire tribe will turn on him and beat him to death with hymnals.
Sister -- A female tribesperson.
See also: BrotherThus Saith The Lord -- A phrase which, when attached to a statement by a tribal leader, prevents argument or questioning.
Works-based salvation -- 1. The belief that one can get to heaven by doing good things. Considered erroneous by all tribes. 2. (derogatory) The attempt to actually do what Jesus told us to do. Considered extraneous by most tribes.
See also: Disciple
This dictionary is by no means exhaustive, and further entries will be added as discovered.
Please take this dictionary in the spirit in which it was written. That is: tongue-in-cheek, satirical, subversive, and sorrowful.
Comments (34)
too brilliant. I almost wanted to use the f word in the middle of those two words just to upset the family values types, then thought better of it. but the post was THAT good - made me wanna cuss.
but you know every dispensationalist for miles is fuming over your cavelier usage of "tribe". tisk tisk tisk. can it be that russo is amillenial? :evil laughter:
Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, Baptism in -- 1. a baptism ceremony as prescribed by God himself 2. a baptism ceremony that has been corrupted by Satan himself
Heart, Breaking -- often in the context of a prayer, a request for an unspecified, but presumably positive, emotional state
Release Faith -- 1. (event) belief 2. (command) give money
Backslidden -- 1. having adopted a new faith 2. (derogatory) having changed church membership
Healed in Jesus Name -- 1. pretty darn sick 2. dead
Battling -- 1. being in a state of inconvenience, i.e. having an illness, living among the heathen
Hell -- Obs.
<Prosperity Gospel -- 1. a state of fluency in Christianese in which the user forgets his native language 2. (derogatory) a rival tribe with a larger church building
Tract -- 1. a short explanation of tribal rituals accompanied by either a copyright-infringing phrase or a picture of Hell
The Works of the Devil -- fantasy novels written after 1955
P.S.--Entirely satirical, of course.
but, hello
http://www.xanga.com/Pass_the_Aura/576446424/dark-sayings-of-my-pet-peeve-part-2-erics-probably-too-concise-dictionary-of-christian-clichs.html
Count me unimpressed. And how does this behavior differ from, say, any other culture in the world? Why pick on Christianity specifically?
But different how? Look, those definitions of yours that show out and out heresy and blind spots in the church, sure, those are a shame. But you seem to be objecting more to the fact that Christianity has cultures. I see the forming of a unique vocabulary as inescapable for a group. Christianity can't escape the culture of the people to whom it ministers entirely. Even in the Bible some bending to culture occurs; see Matthew 19, where Jesus says that Moses permitted divorce because the people's hearts were hard. At best, we can at least know the flaws and take some precautions, but we can't escape them. Expecting the church to have zero culture or flavor due to its geography...I think you're being unrealistic. Didn't happen in the first century, won't happen now.
We do need to be aware of the flaws that a church obtains due to its culture, and you did perform a service by listing them. I guess what steams me the most is you seem to be listing these just for the sake of discussion, sorrow, or amusement, rather than to promote true, genuine change. I believe the difference between us is as simple as our majors. As an English major, you are most likely used to discussing things; as an engineering/math major myself, I want things solved, not discussed. That is why I was most displeased. Don't point out the bleeding and do nothing to stop it.
Perhaps the forming of a unique vocabulary is inescapable for a group, this is true. We could not have deep theological conversations without using Christianese words such as "justification" and "sanctification" and "grace." But if the Church stays close to its host society, for the purposes of making disciples of its nations, then Christians will be "bilingual" so to speak. They won't have any trouble switching from Christianese to standard English when they explain core Christian tenents to nonbelievers.
Instead, what I see is Christians staying in their churches, getting Christian jobs, going to Christian schools or homeschooling, going to Christian tattoo parlors, and as a result of lack of contact with the outside world, lost all ability to speak anything but Christianese or translate from one language to another.
My purpose in writing this was, as you say, focused on the problem, and primarily for amusement. It's the job of the poet to make culture's flaws into an irritant for the populace, so that the populace themselves seek for ways to change the flaws. If you truly want solutions discussed, however, you need look no further than two things: first, my definition of Disciple and Discipleship; and second, my previous mention of the Church as a counterculture and subversive element. If we as a Church are active in becoming more like Jesus, and involved in changing this world, most of these hypocrisies and heresies that I pointed out will begin to fall into place.
And you are absolutely correct about Christian "ghettos", where Christians insulate themselves from the rest of the world. I don't see Jesus and the disciples doing that.
I think we should also publish and English-to-Christianese diction to help these poor, isolated tribes so they can better preach the gospel
haha!
I think I will join that chuch. I like their definitions.
frank
Sorry, preparing for a conference later this month took me away. I still think the establishing of a true counterculture is not going to work. If it's too much like the current culture, the argument is made "Oh, we aren't Christian enough" and its true. That's what I see as more the problem right now in the church today.
But a true counterculture is directly opposed, the opposite, of the current culture. This alienates people, because it's so different from what they're used to, but does attract some. I guess what I'm saying is, are you sure a true counterculture is what you want? Doesn't that make us go to monasteries or withdraw so we can form our own culture? Isn't homeschool a counter culture? Just some thoughts.
Okay, back. Counterculture is "the culture and lifestyle of those people, esp. among the young, who reject or oppose the dominant values and behavior of society." While subculture is "A cultural subgroup differentiated by status, ethnic background, residence, religion, or other factors that functionally unify the group and act collectively on each member." Uh... hrm. Now I'm confused. I was under the impression that subcultures had a connotation of isolationism. Uh...
Okay, I guess what I'm trying to say is that Christians should be opposing the dominant culture, but also in the culture and influencing the culture; not opposing the dominant culture while staying so aloof and apart that we can't communicate with the peoples. We should be in the water swimming upstream, not in a boat staying dry rowing upstream.
But I think we will alienate people, because it is so different from what they're used to. Love your enemies? Forgive those who hurt you? This is the upside-down kingdom, where our instincts are all wrong. The gospel is, to an extent, offensive.